This is probably the most personal post I've ever written. I was debating whether to publish this or not, but at this point I'm thinking it's pointless to NOT do it. This is me, this is who I am, and this is real life.
My heart has always been worn on my sleeve for the whole world to see, and now I'm attempting to dump this all into words on a blog post. I can barely see the screen-the tears just keep coming. I can't even stop them at this point. And I have no idea where to start, so I'm just going to write.
Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. For both of us. Our two and a half year engagement ended after months of loneliness, stress, emotional abuse and butting heads. I've kept all of this locked away for some time, and figured we would someday get it straightened out (there's the optimism in me), but we both realized last night it was like fitting a square peg in a round hole. It just wasn't working out.
After all was said and done, I tossed and turned and let my mind go back to the place it was before Hunter was born. We had our problems then, too, but we were hopeful. Hopeful that things could change after a baby. Everything I'd read and everything I've been taught went against that notion, and deep down I think I knew it, but I didn't want to come to grips with that fact.
We met at a period of our lives when we were still living the young, crazy life. Parties, alcohol-those were the highlights of our week. Spending time with good friends, dining out, dancing the night away. He had a job, and I was in school. We really had no cares in the world, but even then our relationship wasn't very stable. The controlling side of him would pop up more times than I cared for, and the accusations and manipulations as well. But I shrugged it off, because I liked him. We had a good time. And our relationship was still so new.
Four months into our courtship, I found out I was pregnant. I remember the day like it was etched in glass and sitting in front of me on this kitchen table. It was the day after Christmas, and I had taken a trip into Cornwall, Ontario to do some shopping. I don't know why I did (I didn't feel pregnant), but I bought a few pregnancy tests. Once I was home, I took all four of them and waited. They all came back positive. I was pregnant! My initial response was shock. As I came to terms with this new life growing inside of me, I knew one thing was for sure; we were keeping this baby. Anything else was not an option for me. I wanted this unborn child, and in the months ahead became excited with each passing moment. Each little precious kick confirmed that I had made the right decision.
Having Hunter has changed me-for the better. I went from not knowing what I wanted (pre-pregnancy), to knowing exactly what I want and need. My girlfriends knew what was going on between the two of us, and often times would say to me, "where did Monique go?". I would laugh and say, "I'm right here". But I wasn't really. I had lost myself, and had begun to define myself as just a stay at home mom. But I was so much more just a stay at home mom. I just had get re-aquainted with myself again. And that's what I intend on doing right now.
In retrospect, I guess I'm mourning the idea of a relationship, of a marriage, of a family. It's the idea in my head that I've held on to all this time-that has gotten me through these days, weeks, months. That there might someday be a fairy tale ending. I don't know where I first heard this-maybe a talk show host? Dr Phil maybe? I'm not sure. But whoever said it, said it best: the largest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Yes. I think I believe that now. I know I believe that now.
Now I can shed this weight, and not carry any expectations. I'm not going anywhere right now. I am a SAHM, and I still need to student teach in the fall. Until then, we'll all be living under the same roof-but the difference is that we are Hunter's parents, not Monique and B, the engaged couple who maybe would someday become married. I'm not sure how this will work out. I'm still getting used to this. At moments, I still torture myself. But for so long , deep down, I've felt this wasn't right. There were red flags all over the place, and I just ignored them.
In these last three years, I've grown so much more than I fathomed I could. Motherhood changes you, and for me it was my saving grace. I know what I want, I know how I want to parent my child, and I know I want to find love again-someday.
I found this photograph tucked away in an old scrapbook. I had taken this while in NYC a few years back while visiting friends in Long Island. We were leaving to go home, and this photo was taking early in the morning at Grand Central Station. At the time, I liked the Bon Jovi song "welcome to wherever you are", and included the lyrics on the photo.. Seeing this again gave me the boost I needed to get through my morning.
So, I will be taking a week off from blogging. A week to reflect and take into account where my life is right now at this very moment. And how to move forward. I want this journey to be as smooth as I can make it for the person who is my heart and soul-my little boy.